Light-Hearted Wedding Readings

Updated: Nov 16, 2019



Weddings are a serious business, right? Well, of course they are, but that doesn't mean they can't also be enjoyable! When thinking about which wedding readings to include, you might like to consider something a little light-hearted: perhaps you are a naturally funny couple, and it really wouldn't be your day without a bit of laughter.

Perhaps you don't really like the mushy, romantic stuff, but still want to say something meaningful - humour is the way to go!


Here are some of my favourite light-hearted readings, which always raise a smile - or two ....


I Wanna Be Yours - by John Cooper Clarke

I wanna be your vacuum cleaner

Breathing in your dust

I wanna be your Ford Cortina

I will never rust

If you like your coffee hot

Let me be your coffee pot

You call the shots

I wanna be yours

I wanna be your raincoat

For those frequent rainy days

I wanna be your dreamboat

When you want to sail away

Let me be your teddy bear

Take me with you anywhere

I don’t care

I wanna be yours

I wanna be your electric meter

I will not run out

I wanna be the electric heater

You’ll get cold without

I wanna be your setting lotion

Hold your hair in deep devotion

Deep as the deep Atlantic ocean

That’s how deep is my devotion

I wanna be yours


Marriage

Marriage is about giving and taking

And forging and forsaking

Kissing and loving and pushing and shoving

Caring and sharing and screaming and swearing

About being together whatever the weather

About being driven to the end of your tether

About sweetness and kindness

And wisdom and blindness

It's about being strong when you're feeling quite weak

It's about saying nothing when you're dying to speak

It's about being wrong when you know you are right

It's about giving in, before there's a fight

It's about you two living as cheaply as one

(you can give us a call if you know how that's done!)

Never heeding advice that was always well meant

Never counting the cost until it's all spent

And for you two today it's about to begin

And for all that the two of you had to put in

Some days filled with joy, and some days with sadness

And today is the day you’re surrounded by gladness.


How Falling in Love is Like Owning a Dog - by Taylor Mali

On cold winter nights, love is warm.

It lies between you and lives and breathes

and makes funny noises.

Love wakes you up all hours of the night with its needs.

It needs to be fed so it will grow and stay healthy.

Love doesn’t like being left alone for long.

But come home and love is always happy to see you.

It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life,

but you can never be mad at love for long.

Is love good all the time? No! No!

Love can be bad. Bad, love, bad! Very bad love.

Love makes messes.

Love leaves you little surprises here and there.

Love needs lots of cleaning up after.

Sometimes you just want to get love fixed.

Sometimes you want to roll up a piece of newspaper

and swat love on the nose,

not so much to cause pain,

just to let love know, “Don’t you ever do that again!”

Sometimes love just wants to go out for a nice long walk.

Because love loves exercise. It will run you around the block

and leave you panting, breathless. Pull you in different directions

at once, or wind itself around and around you

until you’re all wound up and you cannot move.

But love makes you meet people wherever you go.

People who have nothing in common but love

stop and talk to each other on the street.

Throw things away and love will bring them back,

again, and again, and again.

But most of all, love needs love, lots of it.

And in return, love loves you and never stops.


Let Me Put it This Way - by Simon Armitage

Let me put it this way:

if you came to lay

your sleeping head

against my arm or sleeve,

and if my arm went dead,

or if I had to take my leave

at midnight, I should rather

cleave it from the joint or seam

than make a scene

or bring you round.

There,

how does that sound?


Weddings

(a nice one for a child to read)

If you go to a wedding, here’s what it means

No one wears trainers and no one wears jeans

Your best new clothes are all that you wear

And everyone in your whole family is there

Even some cousins that you’ve never known

And the grown-ups all say “Oh, how much you have grown!”

So everyone’s sitting in one big room

(except Sally and Richard, the bride and groom)

Then all of a sudden things quieten down

And music starts playing and people turn round

And really slowly, Sally walks in

And she’s prettier now than she’s ever been.

She’s a bride and she’s really great looking today

(when normally she looks just kind of okay)

She walks in and stands with her dad for a while

As Richard her boyfriend, awaits in the aisle

His hair is all combed and he’s wearing a tie

And then Sally’s mum starts to sniffle and cry.

And now it comes time for the “get-married” part

The Celebrant says that we’re ready to start

So she talks and she talks about serious things

Then their friend Chris steps up holding two rings

He gives one to the groom and the other to the bride

Then his girlfriend, Janaki pulls him aside.

Then Sally and Richard kind of look at each other

And another big sniffle comes from Sally’s mother

And Sally and Richard put on the wedding rings

And they talk and they promise each other some things

They promise that they’ll love each other a lot

And help one another no matter what

And be with each other the rest of their life

Then the Celebrant says “Now you are husband and wife”.

Then everyone’s in such a big happy mood

And you go to a party with very much food

Where you dance with some grown-ups who drink some wine

And then do a conga dance in one long line

Till Sally and Richard drive off in a car

and everyone’s thinking how happy they are

So we all yell goodbye and throw handfuls of rice

Then the whole thing is over.

Weddings are nice.


What's Mickey Without Minnie

What's Mickey without Minnie,

Or Piglet without Pooh,

What's Donald without Daisy?

That's me without you.

When Ariel Doesn't sing,

and Pooh hates honey,

when Tigger stops bouncing,

and Goofy isn't funny.

When Peter Pan can't fly,

and Simba never roars,

when Alice no longer fits

through small doors.

When Dumbo's ears are small,

and happily ever after isn't true,

even then, I won't stop loving you.





I Rely on You - by Hovis Presley

I rely on you like a Skoda needs suspension,

like the aged need a pension,

like a trampoline needs tension,

like a bungee jump needs apprehension.

I rely on you like a camera needs a shutter,

like a gambler needs a flutter,

like a golfer needs a putter,

like a buttered scone involves some butter.

I rely on you like an acrobat needs ice cool nerve,

like a hairpin needs a drastic curve,

like an HGV needs endless derv,

like an outside left needs a body swerve.

I rely on you like a handyman needs pliers,

like an auctioneer needs buyers,

like a laundromat needs driers,

like The Good Life needed Richard Briers.

I rely on you like a water vole needs water,

like a brick outhouse needs mortar,

like a lemming to the slaughter,

Ryan’s just Ryan without his daughter.

I rely on you.


All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten -

by Robert Fulgum

All of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how to be, I learned in Kindergarten.

Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school.

These are the things I learned…

Share everything.

Play fair.

Don't hit people.

Put things back where you found them.

Clean up your own mess.

Don't take things that aren't yours.

Say sorry when you hurt somebody.

Wash your hands before you eat.

Flush.

Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. Give them to someone who feels sad.

Live a balanced life.

Learn a little, and think a little and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day.

Take a nap every afternoon.

Be aware of wonder.

Remember the little seed in the plastic cup? The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.

Everything you need to know is in there somewhere.

And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.


Have You got a Biro I Can Borrow - by Clive James

Have you got a biro I can borrow?

I’d like to write your name

On the palm of my hand, on the walls of the hall

The roof of the house, right across the land

So when the sun comes up tomorrow

It’ll look to this side of the hard-bitten planet

Like a big yellow button with your name written on it

Have you got a biro I can borrow?

I’d like to write some lines In praise of your knee, and the back of your neck

And the double-decker bus that brings you to me

So when the sun comes up tomorrow

It’ll shine on a world made richer by a sonnet

And a half-dozen epics as long as the Aeneid

Oh give me a pen and some paper

Give me a chisel or a camera

A piano and a box of rubber bands

I need room for choreography

And a darkroom for photography

Tie the brush into my hands

Have you got a biro I can borrow?

I’d like to write your name

From the belt of Orion to the share of the Plough

The snout of the Bear to the belly of the Lion

So when the sun goes down tomorrow

There’ll never be a minute

Not a moment of the night that hasn’t got you in it


Wedding Day - by Robert Palmer

The day of your wedding

Is a time to reflect

On the things you can hope for

And the things to expect.

You could hope for great riches

Huge bundles of cash

But then lose it all

In a Stock Market crash.

Or you could hope for

A life of great ease

With the time and the money

To do as you please.

But it’s better to hope for

The good things in life

Like many happy years

As husband and wife.

Like the smile and the kiss

As you walk through the door

And the baby that wakes you

At a quarter to four.

And a life of variety

With sunshine and rain

And Frosties for breakfast

Instead of champagne.

Expect times of anger

The occasional huff

Because no one annoys you

Like the one that you love.

But don’t look for problems

That the future may bring

Just to love and be loved is a wonderful thing.

Life’s not all plain sailing

Not always a ball

But I know you’ll be happy

Because love conquers all.


#weddingceremony #weddinginspiration #weddingideas #engaged #gettingmarried #weddingplanning #wedding #UKCelebrant

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