Weddings are a serious business, right? Well, of course they are, but that doesn't mean they can't also be enjoyable! When thinking about which wedding readings to include, you might like to consider something a little light-hearted: perhaps you are a naturally funny couple, and it really wouldn't be your day without a bit of laughter.
Perhaps you don't really like the mushy, romantic stuff, but still want to say something meaningful - humour is the way to go!
Here are some of my favourite light-hearted readings, which always raise a smile - or two ....
I Wanna Be Yours - by John Cooper Clarke
I wanna be your vacuum cleaner
Breathing in your dust
I wanna be your Ford Cortina
I will never rust
If you like your coffee hot
Let me be your coffee pot
You call the shots
I wanna be yours
I wanna be your raincoat
For those frequent rainy days
I wanna be your dreamboat
When you want to sail away
Let me be your teddy bear
Take me with you anywhere
I don’t care
I wanna be yours
I wanna be your electric meter
I will not run out
I wanna be the electric heater
You’ll get cold without
I wanna be your setting lotion
Hold your hair in deep devotion
Deep as the deep Atlantic ocean
That’s how deep is my devotion
I wanna be yours
Marriage
Marriage is about giving and taking
And forging and forsaking
Kissing and loving and pushing and shoving
Caring and sharing and screaming and swearing
About being together whatever the weather
About being driven to the end of your tether
About sweetness and kindness
And wisdom and blindness
It's about being strong when you're feeling quite weak
It's about saying nothing when you're dying to speak
It's about being wrong when you know you are right
It's about giving in, before there's a fight
It's about you two living as cheaply as one
(you can give us a call if you know how that's done!)
Never heeding advice that was always well meant
Never counting the cost until it's all spent
And for you two today it's about to begin
And for all that the two of you had to put in
Some days filled with joy, and some days with sadness
And today is the day you’re surrounded by gladness.
How Falling in Love is Like Owning a Dog - by Taylor Mali
On cold winter nights, love is warm.
It lies between you and lives and breathes
and makes funny noises.
Love wakes you up all hours of the night with its needs.
It needs to be fed so it will grow and stay healthy.
Love doesn’t like being left alone for long.
But come home and love is always happy to see you.
It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life,
but you can never be mad at love for long.
Is love good all the time? No! No!
Love can be bad. Bad, love, bad! Very bad love.
Love makes messes.
Love leaves you little surprises here and there.
Love needs lots of cleaning up after.
Sometimes you just want to get love fixed.
Sometimes you want to roll up a piece of newspaper
and swat love on the nose,
not so much to cause pain,
just to let love know, “Don’t you ever do that again!”
Sometimes love just wants to go out for a nice long walk.
Because love loves exercise. It will run you around the block
and leave you panting, breathless. Pull you in different directions
at once, or wind itself around and around you
until you’re all wound up and you cannot move.
But love makes you meet people wherever you go.
People who have nothing in common but love
stop and talk to each other on the street.
Throw things away and love will bring them back,
again, and again, and again.
But most of all, love needs love, lots of it.
And in return, love loves you and never stops.
Let Me Put it This Way - by Simon Armitage
Let me put it this way:
if you came to lay
your sleeping head
against my arm or sleeve,
and if my arm went dead,
or if I had to take my leave
at midnight, I should rather
cleave it from the joint or seam
than make a scene
or bring you round.
There,
how does that sound?
Weddings
(a nice one for a child to read)
If you go to a wedding, here’s what it means
No one wears trainers and no one wears jeans
Your best new clothes are all that you wear
And everyone in your whole family is there
Even some cousins that you’ve never known
And the grown-ups all say “Oh, how much you have grown!”
So everyone’s sitting in one big room
(except Sally and Richard, the bride and groom)
Then all of a sudden things quieten down
And music starts playing and people turn round
And really slowly, Sally walks in
And she’s prettier now than she’s ever been.
She’s a bride and she’s really great looking today
(when normally she looks just kind of okay)
She walks in and stands with her dad for a while
As Richard her boyfriend, awaits in the aisle
His hair is all combed and he’s wearing a tie
And then Sally’s mum starts to sniffle and cry.
And now it comes time for the “get-married” part
The Celebrant says that we’re ready to start
So she talks and she talks about serious things
Then their friend Chris steps up holding two rings
He gives one to the groom and the other to the bride
Then his girlfriend, Janaki pulls him aside.
Then Sally and Richard kind of look at each other
And another big sniffle comes from Sally’s mother
And Sally and Richard put on the wedding rings
And they talk and they promise each other some things
They promise that they’ll love each other a lot
And help one another no matter what
And be with each other the rest of their life
Then the Celebrant says “Now you are husband and wife”.
Then everyone’s in such a big happy mood
And you go to a party with very much food
Where you dance with some grown-ups who drink some wine
And then do a conga dance in one long line
Till Sally and Richard drive off in a car
and everyone’s thinking how happy they are
So we all yell goodbye and throw handfuls of rice
Then the whole thing is over.
Weddings are nice.
What's Mickey Without Minnie
What's Mickey without Minnie,
Or Piglet without Pooh,
What's Donald without Daisy?
That's me without you.
When Ariel Doesn't sing,
and Pooh hates honey,
when Tigger stops bouncing,
and Goofy isn't funny.
When Peter Pan can't fly,
and Simba never roars,
when Alice no longer fits
through small doors.
When Dumbo's ears are small,
and happily ever after isn't true,
even then, I won't stop loving you.
I Rely on You - by Hovis Presley
I rely on you like a Skoda needs suspension,
like the aged need a pension,
like a trampoline needs tension,
like a bungee jump needs apprehension.
I rely on you like a camera needs a shutter,
like a gambler needs a flutter,
like a golfer needs a putter,
like a buttered scone involves some butter.
I rely on you like an acrobat needs ice cool nerve,
like a hairpin needs a drastic curve,
like an HGV needs endless derv,
like an outside left needs a body swerve.
I rely on you like a handyman needs pliers,
like an auctioneer needs buyers,
like a laundromat needs driers,
like The Good Life needed Richard Briers.
I rely on you like a water vole needs water,
like a brick outhouse needs mortar,
like a lemming to the slaughter,
Ryan’s just Ryan without his daughter.
I rely on you.
All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten -
by Robert Fulgum
All of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how to be, I learned in Kindergarten.
Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school.
These are the things I learned…
Share everything.
Play fair.
Don't hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don't take things that aren't yours.
Say sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush.
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. Give them to someone who feels sad.
Live a balanced life.
Learn a little, and think a little and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day.
Take a nap every afternoon.
Be aware of wonder.
Remember the little seed in the plastic cup? The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
Everything you need to know is in there somewhere.
And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
Have You got a Biro I Can Borrow - by Clive James
Have you got a biro I can borrow?
I’d like to write your name
On the palm of my hand, on the walls of the hall
The roof of the house, right across the land
So when the sun comes up tomorrow
It’ll look to this side of the hard-bitten planet
Like a big yellow button with your name written on it
Have you got a biro I can borrow?
I’d like to write some lines In praise of your knee, and the back of your neck
And the double-decker bus that brings you to me
So when the sun comes up tomorrow
It’ll shine on a world made richer by a sonnet
And a half-dozen epics as long as the Aeneid
Oh give me a pen and some paper
Give me a chisel or a camera
A piano and a box of rubber bands
I need room for choreography
And a darkroom for photography
Tie the brush into my hands
Have you got a biro I can borrow?
I’d like to write your name
From the belt of Orion to the share of the Plough
The snout of the Bear to the belly of the Lion
So when the sun goes down tomorrow
There’ll never be a minute
Not a moment of the night that hasn’t got you in it
Wedding Day - by Robert Palmer
The day of your wedding
Is a time to reflect
On the things you can hope for
And the things to expect.
You could hope for great riches
Huge bundles of cash
But then lose it all
In a Stock Market crash.
Or you could hope for
A life of great ease
With the time and the money
To do as you please.
But it’s better to hope for
The good things in life
Like many happy years
As husband and wife.
Like the smile and the kiss
As you walk through the door
And the baby that wakes you
At a quarter to four.
And a life of variety
With sunshine and rain
And Frosties for breakfast
Instead of champagne.
Expect times of anger
The occasional huff
Because no one annoys you
Like the one that you love.
But don’t look for problems
That the future may bring
Just to love and be loved is a wonderful thing.
Life’s not all plain sailing
Not always a ball
But I know you’ll be happy
Because love conquers all.
